Art featured by Glenn Thomas
I go crazy ’cause here isn’t where I wanna to be.
That one striking line from ‘R U Mine?’ by Arctic Monkeys But seriously, where do we go from here?
It’s past two in the morning in early April and all I could think of is what’s waiting for me when this pandemic is all over. Or will it be really over? If yes, then when? The thought of chasing a dream seems so far away when you’ve been stuck in the same place, not knowing where to go, not exactly knowing what is it you want in life. But all I know is not here.
I used to find comfort in hearing the words “You’re still young, there’s a whole future ahead of you.” I believed that— most of the time. When I needed it most, I even told that to myself. “It’s okay, there’s still time”, they say. “Don’t be too hard on yourself.” Reality check, tomorrow is not guaranteed. Yet all we could do is hope for better days.
Everything happens in an instant. Every now and then, I reminisce memories especially from my childhood. How carefree I used to be, filled with joy and constantly being showered with love. I remember what I wanted to be, my dreams, places I want to set foot on. I even had a bucket list of phenomena I want to see: from sunset over Santorini, to witnessing a Aurora Borealis in the Scandinavia, to seeing the Milky Way galaxy in New Zealand. I also dreamt the weirdest things: from becoming an astronaut, to becoming a racing driver (thank you Herbie), to becoming a radio jock, a courtside reporter among others.
There’s this Japanese phrase: mono no aware (者の哀れ) which means, according to Google, “the awareness of the impermanence of things”. A melancholic appreciation of the transiency of existence. It’s basically “you only live once” or “live in the moment” but laid out in a gentle and sad reality. I somehow relate this to BTS’ RM’s everythingoes (지나가) and the Latin phrase, memento mori (trans. remember that you will die).
All of these remind me that this moment right now is nothing but a fleeting memory; that the only constant in this world is change; and that, nothing lasts forever, including me.