a confession to my past self

Art featured by Kim Salt

dear …

before i start, i want you to know that this space left for your name will remain blank forever. why? because my fickle mind doesn’t know how to address this letter to you. i hope you can forgive me for my insolence.

dear…

when the people whom you loved chose to laugh at your gorgeous physique, i should have assured you that figures on the weighing scale couldn’t decide your worth; that you deserved to love yourself no matter the abundance of X’s next to the L on your clothes; that eleven-year-olds with double chins and plump butts and non-existent thigh gaps were the most stunning versions of themselves to ever exist.

but i didn’t, i left you alone when the world threw volleys of slurs and jabs that pierced your skin like shards of glass. i deserted you when you needed someone to soothe you with their words as you screamed in the midst of yet another nightmare. i left you to fend for yourself when you needed me to wipe away your tears and nurse your bleeding wounds. i left you, just like everyone else when all you needed was a friend. sigh, i wish I’d realised this back then.

you may fool everyone now when you say you’re happy, but i’ve seen the way your vision cracks each time you stare at yourself in the mirror. i’ve heard the self loathe and insecurities floating in your mind that pollute your thoughts when they felt enthusiasm spark within you. i’ve seen you cringe at the fat rolls and acne marks that litter your skin and speak to the world about the battles you’ve fought, and won all alone. i wish you’d learn to be proud of yourself. sigh, how ironic of me to say this.

i know that an offence as blatant and heinous as mine does not deserve your compassion or sympathy. still, i write this letter in order to soothe the remorse bubbling in my heart. don’t forgive me, it would only hurt both of us. instead, forgive yourself for trusting me in the very first place, i know some part of you still regrets it.

from now on, instead of condemning yourself, learn to love who you are regardless of your appearance. with each passing day, you’ll begin to find the confidence that once thrived within you. i hope someday, you’ll be able to look into my eyes and smile as you accept yourself, just the way you are. take care, and be proud of yourself.

love,
…..


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